I’ll
cut to the chase. 2017 was one of the worst years of my life. I’ve
tended not to talk about my own personal mental health issues, but
over the last few years, they keep interfering with my ability to put
out creative content, and I feel it’s about time I offer an
explanation.
I’ve
long had issues with depression and especially anxiety, but I’ve
also had a tendency to deny it to myself. This has not made for a
good combination. Social stigma against mental illness is a real
issue and, while I have been vocal against it and in defence of
others with mental illness, I have applied that stigma to myself. I
have felt ashamed of my anxiety and of myself. So while I would admit
to a bit of anxiety, I would deny the extent of it, deny any
depression entirely, and pretend everything was just fine. This has
led to all kinds of obstacles in life, both professional and social.
This most recent absence from this blog was not the first due to
things like imposter syndrome getting the better of me.
The
fact that my spouse had health issues (both physical and mental) made
it easier to pretend my own didn’t exist. I could focus on
providing support for her because I could consider her issues more
important than my own, and thus mine didn’t need any attention. But
through all that time, my issues were bubbling under the surface.
My
spouse and I separated in December 2016 and we broke up completely
the following April. I no longer had a shield against my own problems
and I spiralled into the worst depression I have ever had. 2017 was
hard, so very, very hard. It didn’t help either that my financial
situation was in a critical state. More than a few times I feared
losing everything I had.
But
on the good side, it did make me realise that I needed help. I’ve
been seeing a very good therapist since January 2017 and I’ve made
a lot of progress. Things are still far from perfect, but I’m in a
much better state than I was a year ago, and I think I might be ready
to face the world again and, in some ways, face it for the first time
ever. In particular, I’m hoping to be able to work past my imposter
syndrome when it comes to my writing and get not just this blog back
into shape, but also kick my hopes for a professional writing career
into first gear. I don’t expect there to be no stumbling blocks
along the way—there absolutely will be (just this past week, I’ve
had another depressive bout brought on partly by a stressful trip to
visit family)—but I hope I can work for real change in my life.
First,
however, over the past couple years, I’ve let a number of people
down. There are several things I promised to write for people that I
never completed, from reviews of products that I received a
complimentary copy for, to assorted general posts. To these people, I
offer my sincerest apologies. I can’t really erase the past, but I
can strive to do better in the future. I hope only that people will
be understanding and offer me that chance.
So,
what does all this entail for the future of Of Dice and Pen? Well,
I’ve already posted my review of “The Doctor Falls”, the finale of Doctor Who
Series 10. My review of December 2017’s Christmas special, “Twice
Upon a Time” should be up in the next few hours, or tomorrow at the latest.
I’ve
got a ton of Pathfinder material to gradually get through and review,
including finishing the Giantslayer Adventure Path, which I had begun
reviewing before my most recent absence.
I
also want to expand this blog beyond mostly Pathfinder and Doctor
Who. I’ve always intended to
include more diverse science fiction and fantasy topics, but rarely
managed to get round to it. I’m not sure how successful I’ll be
this time, but I have a fantasy novel review written (just needs an
editing pass) that will be going up in the next day or two.
Most
exciting for me is that I will soon be officially announcing a call
for beta-readers of my own novel, The Child of the Volgs!
I’ll have full details in a few days, but for now, this
is just a little advance warning.
Of
course, over the last year, I’ve missed a number of big
announcements that I would normally want to comment on. In fact, I
would still like to comment on many of them. I don’t know how
quickly I’ll get to them (time constraints may mean I don’t get
to them at all), so I thought I’d offer some quick comments on
two of them.
Jodie
Whittaker as the 13th Doctor:
Super excited! It’s overdue time we had a woman Doctor, and I think
Whittaker is perfect casting. I’ve seen and loved a lot of her
other work (Broadchurch
probably being the most well known, but seriously, you should check
out Adult Life
Skills,
which is a brilliant movie), and I can’t wait to see her take on
the Doctor.
Pathfinder
2nd Edition:
I’m not as excited about this. I’ve been paying attention to many
of the previews, and I like some
of what I see and
dislike some other things.
However,
it
also seems to be a much bigger change than I want at this time. I
still have a ton of Pathfinder books that I’ve never had the
opportunity to use (particularly Adventure Paths I want to run) and
the amount of conversion effort it appears will be needed to change
them to 2nd Edition is more than I care to give at this time. Still,
I’m approaching it with an open mind, and could well change my
opinion by the time it releases in August 2019.
Anyway,
that’s all for now. Thank you to all of you who read this blog and
my writing. I
appreciate you all. Have a happy Pride Month!